How to Have Period Sex

Part One – Communication

Have an open and honest conversation with your partner, take a shower, lay down a dark towel, wear black underwear, turn the lights off. Sob audibly while being penetrated.

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The person that actually does this probably also times her partner’s ejaculation speed, writes it in a log book, and then hacks him to death.

Part One – Communication (revised)

Tell yourself you won’t have sex this week, just like you haven’t for the past six months anyway, and then get REALLY horny because hormones or something.

Once you’ve found a mate (see How to Have Sex), neglect to mention that you’re menstruating because everything is happening really quickly and it’s near the end of your cycle and you just want to get off and shit you haven’t had sex in six months.

Part Two? – Choose your weapon

  • Pads

No one wears pads. Aren’t pads like the training wheels of ‘feminine hygiene products’? Do people over the age of 13 actually wear pads? Pads are just nappies. You’re too young to be having sex, go home.*

  • Panty Liners

Seriously fuck you and your light flow fuck right off.

  • Tampons

If you’re wearing a tampon, you’ll continue to put off telling him, thinking that you’ll just do some “heavy petting” (whatever that is it sounds gross). Then he’ll slip right on in there before you can say “excuse me but I really wish you consulted with me before you put your penis in there, had you not considered that my lady parts may already be occupied?”. 

After this you’ll run to the toilet, squat on the bathroom floor naked and try to squeeze out the tampon a stranger’s dick just lodged to the wall of your cervix. You’ll try those pelvic floor exercises that your pilates teacher always tells you to do but you don’t know what your pelvic floor is, so you’re just risking shitting on this guy’s bathroom floor.

  • Free-Bleeding

If you’re an unintentional free-bleeder because hey you can’t always afford tampons, or remember to put them in your bag, and all of your underwear already has stains on it anyway… Then you’re in luck. Pretend your period just started and you didn’t realise and  oh my god you’re SOOOO SORRY.

This is a very ‘live in the moment’ technique. After he pulls out and spurts cum and blood all over your stomach and your bed, he’s going to think that he just ripped out your insides or caused a miscarriage.

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However the most devastating factor of this method if you brought your man friend to your house, is that at some point tomorrow (next week), you’re going to have to clean your sheets. It is recommended that you frequently drink red wine and eat vindaloo in bed to even out the stains and maintain a consistent colour scheme.

Part Three – Damage Control

If he’s cool with it all, don’t ever contact him again because he must have some messed up blood fetish and you’re definitely going to find him drinking your vagina blood in the middle of the night.

If he’s not cool with it, don’t ever contact him again because he’s a complete wanker and he can’t even handle that women have periods, seriously it’s 2016 and menstruation is still a taboo. What is he, nine? So immature. Shit on his bathroom floor.

*It’s important to note that many women choose pads over tampons for a myriad of reasons. i.e. culture, comfort, leakage, product availability, susceptibility to infection. It is also important to note that my opinion and experience is way more worthy than yours and pads are WEIRD SMELLY VAGINA BLOOD SOAKED NAPPIES.

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