How to Have Sex

A guide for drunk lonely women.


If you’re reading this, you have finally accepted that you are lonely, pathetic, unattractive, and sexually frustrated.

Congratulations! You have completed the first step. Next, you need to embrace your self-loathing and exceptionally low standards for a mate.

Provided somehow you still have a sense of pride (good for you!), this will NOT be useful to your cause. Either drink so much that it’s forgotten, practise some self-hate speech, or if like most, you want to keep your shame hidden, do not go on a sex quest with friends or respected acquaintances.

If you find yourself with friends when the hunger strikes, it is important to separate yourself from the group immediately. Being alone and vulnerable makes you more approachable to a potential mate. If you are feeling nervous, which you are, get drunk.


Finding a Mate:

Now that you are alone and drunk in the seediest club on the sweatiest dance floor, start dancing with your eyes closed. You do not want to make eye contact with the people here.

The first thing that touches you, preferably intentionally, is your target.

Start dancing with them, remembering to keep your eyes closed to avoid realistic disappointment and what’s known as a “sobering moment”.

Dance until you physically can’t stand anymore, the target will probably offer you a drink, either find somewhere to sit or suggest going out for a cigarette.

If it’s not late enough/you’re not drunk enough to get him in a taxi, repeat this routine until the club closes. You might want to reach in for a d-floor pash but it’s more likely that you’re one to keep your dirty shame confined to the bedroom. Pass this off as mystique and modesty.

Seal the Deal:

At this point you’ll both wander out onto the street together, and if he doesn’t instantly ask for you to come home with him, pretend that your Uber app isn’t working. If he isn’t getting the gist, it’s time to start dropping less than subtle hints: “want to split a cab?”, “I have drink at mine if you want to keep going.”

If this still doesn’t work, storm off, get in a taxi. Sob uncontrollably and bombard one guy you used to bang with illegible texts along the lines of how he’s a dickhead and treated you like shit and you miss him.

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However when it does work (it will) and you’ve secured your mate, well done! The hard part is over.

Drink beer on your bed so that you “don’t wake your housemates”, or if you never had any beer to begin with, blame your housemates for drinking it.

The Act:

As soon as conversation starts to waver and you look at each other and one of you is like “so, yeah…” just start aggressively making out.

Get on top of him INSTANTLY to give the illusion that you are sexy, wild, and will have girl-on-top sex later (you won’t). Then roll over, lie on your back, undo his jeans button but struggle with it, and then throw your hands behind your head and let him do literally everything else. He will take his top off now because ALL men have an enormous fear of having only their bottom half naked. This is because they know the naked top half distracts women from realising how fucking disgusting a guy is from the waist down. Seriously, there’s just nothing good there.

He’ll probably start fingering you and you’ll pretend to enjoy it for about 60 seconds and then realise if he continues you might actually throw up. Reach into his underwear, feel around like you’re going through your purse trying to find lipstick or a tampon. Breathe heavily.

Understanding that the foreplay has come to an end, or just getting too excited himself, he will now do that stupid thing that guys do and try to take his underwear off while hovering over you, as in a push up position. Just wait patiently, keeping your eyes closed and I dunno, touch his hips or his hair or something. Intimate.

Literally the only thing worse than a one night stand who comes in under a minute is a one night stand that drags on, and on, and on, because he’s too gacked too come… causing the sensation of old sand paper on a dead branch. You’ll both notice this happening, and he might stop fucking to pretend he’s just ‘focussed on your pleasure’, but more than likely he’ll just get right back to pounding away like he has a deadline to meet, with no concern for the fact his armpit is in your face, he’s breathing in your hair, and his balls are slapping against your ass.


This won’t work, so he’ll try a fresh new innovative position: doggy style. The key here is to shuffle yourself into the spooning position as soon as he tries to get behind you. That way, when he finally accepts he’s not going to come, you won’t have to look at each other and rearrange your average looking naked bodies while you both realise what a horrific experience this has been.

The Aftermath:

When he asks for some water, pretend you’re already asleep.

If you wake up before him and can’t fall back asleep because his snoring is monstrous and you’re ashamed you ever had sex with this creature, draping his hot, greasy, fleshy arm over you, maybe even still holding onto a tit in his sleep – quietly release yourself from his grasp and go to the living room to watch House of Cards until he leaves. Drink a Berocca and then vomit fluorescent orange in the garden.

If you wake up around the same time and he’s courteous enough to get up, get dressed and leave, then just be really groggy and stay in bed the entire time. Fall back asleep. You might even get a kiss on the head; an unnecessary invasion of space but a nice gesture.

If he won’t leave: you have a lunch date with your mum and dad and they’re coming to pick you up right now. You need to jump in the shower but he can see himself out.

Never give him your number but remember him by your recurring UTI.

6 thoughts on “How to Have Sex

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