Screw the Sound Guy not the Singer

A comparison on the dating qualities of a sound tech and a musician.

Sound Guy: His job is basically dealing with selfish assholes every night, so he’s generous in bed. Foreplay is like soundcheck, he’s there to do his job and make sure you’re satisfied, he won’t rush to get on with the show or complain that you’re taking too long. He’s very patient for you to finish…

Singer: He’s a selfish asshole. On stage and in bed. If foreplay is like soundcheck then he stops every minute to tell you what you’re doing wrong and you’re considering running away before the ‘big show’.

Sound Guy: Can afford to buy you a drink. If you buy him a beer and bring it to him when he’s behind the desk he’ll worship the ground beneath your feet and go down on you for 40 minutes later tonight.

Singer: You loaned him $200 for rent and he thinks he doesn’t owe you because he puts you on the door at his shows and he sometimes gives you a couple of his riders. Also you’re pretty sure he took that tenner that fell out of your jeans when you were getting it on last night.

Sound Guy: He thinks before he speaks, actually he never speaks which is better.

Singer: Biggest. fucking. temper. He’s a screamer, and a crier. When you break up he’ll write a shitty song about you and EVERYONE will know it’s about you.

Sound Guy: You won’t have to compete for his attention. People always turn their backs on him, like, literally… Because they’re watching the band.

Singer: He has a ton of girls in love with him and he knows it. He’ll bring out your jealous/murdery side. If you have to date a musician make sure he’s in a hardcore band so you can cunt punt the other girls when you’re slam dancing.

Sound Guy: You’ll get to see a bunch of different bands for free.

Singer: You’ll get to see his band, a bunch of times… and idiots will refer to you as a groupie.

Sound Guy: He’s in the music industry so he’s still as much of an alcoholic as the musicians are, and he won’t guilt you for your low-key substance abuse issues.

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(Aunty Donna – Haven’t You Done Well 5: Cocaine – 1999 Ep05)

Singer: This is also true for the musician, but he will guilt you for not ‘following your dreams’ in the arts like he did.

Sound Guy: He’s already given up on his dreams (to be a musician). He’s firmly grounded in reality but he’s still a fun dude. He will buy cocaine and share it, instead of using his money on grown-up things like ‘vegetables’ and ‘car insurance’.

Singer: Not only is he not grounded in reality, he’s going to drop acid on a Monday night because he thinks it will help his writer’s block but then he’s just going to watch YouTube videos about some pseudoscience hippy bullshit for 9 hours straight.

Sound Guy: Really, really good with his hands. He’s used to fingering tiny, hard to locate buttons, knobs and dials. He knows how sensitive to touch you can be so he knows when to be gentle and when to blast that shit.

Singer: You might think that because he’s so good at strumming and finger picking he’d be good with his fingers, but all of his focus goes toward his OWN gear and he’s weirdly protective of it so he won’t be up for rough play. Plus he always hides his ‘equipment’ unless there’s a crowd? Weird. Also calluses.

Girl… get out of that mosh, head to the back, and go get weird with the dude in the booth.

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